Wednesday, May 11, 2011

25 Ways Jason Statham Can Kill, Maim or Please You

25 reasons why The Mechanic star delivers copious amounts of pain and punishment...and a bit of pleasure for the ladies.

Jason Casually Chops a Dude's Arm Off - Crank

Shaking hands or high-fiving are introductory gestures that you and I do everyday without a thought crossing our minds. Jason Statham, while I'm sure keeps those maneuvers in his back pocket, also has the ability to whip out limb dismemberment at any moment. Just his off-handed way of saying hello.
The Tao of Statham: Dog Vs. Rabbit - Snatch

While mostly known for his ability to kick ass in a multitude of settings, Statham has a surpisingly capable of poetic waxing. In Snatch, he ponders the role of dog and rabbit, then lives out the metaphor in real life. The man has a way with guns and words:

Jason Plays Music...With People - Transporter 3

When life gives Jason Statham bad guys and a piano, he makes music. John Cage would be proud.

Caught in a sticky situation, The Transporter swiftly takes down his opponents with a few choice punches and the help of a classy set of ivories. Slamming someone's head into a set of keys vaguely resembles the early work of Charles Ives - who knew!?
Jason Dodges the Axe - The Transporter

Kids, if you have an opportunity to take a dance class in your lifetime, do it. Case in point: Statham's elegant movements as he swerves out of the way of a swinging axe. That sh*t isn't natural. I'd say three years at the Academy, at least.

Grifting Statham Style - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

Like a twirling blade juggled back and forth between his hands, Jason Statham spitfires like no other, praying on the eager and dangling so-called treasures in front of them like cheese to mice. But when the po-po's show up, there's no mistake it's the Statham we know and love behind the wordy wheel.

Jason Statham vs. Goliath - Transporter 3

Size doesn't matter, especially when Jason Statham is involved. I'm talking about the man's height sicko.

In Transporter 3, Statham takes on a man twice as tall, twice as thick and twice as mean. Mercy is not an option. From Statham's beatdown, that is.

Jason Sticks a Shotgun Up a Guys Ass - Crank 2: High Voltage

Jaosn Statham must have been one of those "square peg, round hole" types. He knows damn well that a shotgun covered in molten tar is not the kind of object meant to be lodged up an ass, yet, there it is. Up an ass.
Jason Blows Up - Chaos

When it comes to killing bad guys, Jason Statham is like a salmon swimming up stream. Matching his dedication is near impossible.

In Chaos, Statham follows his prey into a dark, dingy house wired with bombs. He knows full well what could happen, but when you're Jason Statham, you're not afraid of seizing an explosive moment.

Jason Fights with a Water Hose - Transporter 2

One day, New York City's Museum of Modern Art will recognize Jason Statham as one of the greats. The artist of ass-whopping can take a simple object like a water hose and transform it into a visual feast. Though, I'm sure that's not what the guys around the room are thinking as he knocks them all to the ground.

Jason Loses His Cool - Revolver

Jason Statham was not meant to be put in confined spaces. He's a man of energy and bravado - close quarters may drive him over the edge. For a staged example of what might happen if someone attempts to contain Statham, see Revolver:

Jason Hates Television - Crank

Wrong-doers are not Jason Statham's only enemy. He also can kick technology's butt.

Statham takes a sizeable amount of rage out on his TV set. His TV set, naturally, does not fight back.
Speeding Away with the Safe - The Italian Job

Stathem gives James Bond a run for his money in The Italian Job. Few men can look good executing a meticulous plan, let alone look dashing while doing it. That's exactly what the bald wonder does when he jets off with a safe in a high-velocity speed boat.

Jason's Goalie Ballet - Mean Machine

The British remake of The Longest Yard features Jason Statham as a psychotic goaliee named Monk. Monk has a bit of an imagination, and occasionally he lets it run wild with fantasies that have nothing to do with murdering people.

Jason ANGRY - London

Can Jason Statham act? Well, he can scream, and as far as I can tell, that's enough to get Al Pacino nominated for an Oscar. So yes, Jason Statham can act and explosion is the mild way of describing what he unleashes on Chris Evans in the movie Chaos.

Ejection Seat Napalm - Death Race

The cars of Death Race are rigged with machine guns, missles and a handful of other hidden weapon. Would you expect Jason Statham to drive anything less? Keeping up with the insurance paymentsis a bitch, but it's a hell of a lot better than the other option: death.
Jason "Kicks Some Black Ass" - Crank

Race relations take a leap backwards when Jason Statham engages a group of African-American gangsters and makes it a "black thing." We don't think Martin Luther King Jr. would have approved.
Jason Robs a Bank and a Chick - The Bank Job

Jason Statham has just committed the most elaborate bank heists in London's history. Most people would grab the money and run, but that's not Statham's style. No, he congratulates himself right there on the spot, by having sex with a pretty lady on top of a safe.

Jason Statham vs. Jet Li - War

Deceiving Jason Statham - a big no-no.

In War, Statham's former partner pulls a Face-Off, taking on the legacy of killer assassin Rogue aka ass-kicking Jet Li. In the ultimate showdown, Statham throws a bucket of whoop ass on the short kung fu master, who gives our favorite bald killer a run for his money.

Jason Kicks Upper-Middle Class Ass - The Expendables

White men can't jump, but Jason Statham can. He can also take down a team of douchebag streetballers in a matter of seconds.

Grease Fight! - Transporter

Jason Statham translates the fun of your old slip and slide into a massive battle of fisticuffs when he lathers himself in grease and goes to town. I imagine the slimy scenario is similar to when Statham exited his mother's womb for the first time.

Jason Screws a Chick in the Middle of a Horse Race - Crank 2: High Voltage

There's never been a more convining reason to ditch your sh*tty old organic heart and go completely artifiicial.

In an attempt to keep his plastic blood pumper beating, Jason Statham resorts to his last option: screw his girlfriend in the middle of a horse race. Lucky for him, it was hard to pick up out of a crowd of horses. The man is hung.
Jason Plays with Knives - The Expendables

We love Jason Statham when he's using his barehands to knock some motherf*ckers out, but put a pair of knives in his hands and he's deadlier than an Iron Chef.

Sly Stallone will try and compete with the man, but he's got nothing on a blade-wielding Statham.

Delodging the Car Bomb - The Transporter 2

Jason Statham's MIT Ph.D. in Physics never came in more handy than his do-or-die car stunt in Transporter 2. With only seconds to spare, Statham sends himself sailing off the roof of a buidling, twirling about, knocking off a bomb attached to the bottom of lands the car in one piece. I'd like to see Stephen Hawking pull that off

Jason Bashes Heads on the Pitch - Mean Machine

Not only will Jason Statham keep you from scoring any goals, he will make you never want to dribble the football down to his side of the pitch ever again. Doing so could result in immediate head injury.

Jason Electrocutes Himself and Beats a Man - Crank 2: High Voltage

The grand finale of Crank 2 is the epitome of frantic, batsh*t crazy Jason Statham moments. In a fit of rage, Statham grabs open power lines and sends bolts of electricity surging through his body, setting his skin and temper aflame.

When he starts throwing punches, Statham is on fire.

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