Friday, May 6, 2011

Video Game Forests

Forget Crystal Lake. These are the forests you should be worried about skinny dipping in. That being said, anyone up for a picnic?
World of Warcraft - Terokkar Forest

Although much of Terokkar has been restored, it still houses Auchindoun: the city of the dead. No matter how much you restore this forest, those ghosts are still going to get you.
Castle Crashers - Thieves' Forest

This forest is not only home to greedy thieves. It is a gathering for trolls. Once you kill the momma troll, the only way to escape poppa troll's wrath is to hop on a poop-propelled deer rocket and hope for the best
Far Cry 2 - African Savannah

Did you know the word "jungle" comes from the word "jangala" which means forest? The African Savannah can be a ruthlessly dangerous place, especially when you have an army after you and you already have malaria. If you go to an African Savannah, try not to have malaria.

Bioshock - Arcadia

It may be under water, but it's a living forest that supplies Rapture with all of its oxygen. It's also infested with a teleporting splicer gang that burst into a cloud of blood whenever they change locations. You should probably just stay out of all of Rapture just to be safe.

Metal Gear Solid 3 - Sokrovenno

Although Snake Eater is basically one giant forest, there's one section that you should probably avoid at all costs. Sokrovenno is where the legendary sniper, The End, sits dormant, waiting for his prey. There's probably also snakes and stuff on the ground which are pretty gross too.
Killzone 3 - Kaznan Jungle

We're still discovering new species of creepy crawlers in our forests. What do you think you'll find in another planet's jungle? The stuff that goes on in this place is absurd. Don't piss of any Cadaver Beetles. Just think: alien scarab.

Minecraft - The Entire World

When the sun goes down, Minecraft stops being fun and becomes get the %^$# inside and shutup! Zombies, skeletons, spiders, and ghosts all come knocking on your little wooden door. Then, you hear it. "Sssssssssssssss."

Mortal Kombat - The Living Forest

These trees are hungry. No, really. There's a stage fatality where they eat you. Don't get too close.

Super Mario World - Forest of Illusion

The only way to get out of this forest is to find the secret exit in stage 3. What's with Nintendo and creating forests that you get lost in? This isn't the Blair Mario Project.

Red Dead Redemption - Tall Trees

Although there's only a small section of Red Dead Redemption's take on the western border states of 1910 that isn't a big desert, Tall Trees is one dangerous place to go hiking. One hit kill cougars and giant grizzly bears walk around like they own the place and will even come charging at your horse. Giddy up!

Final Fantasy 7 - Ancient Forest

I don't care how much materia you have. You're not getting out of the Ancient Forest without a few battle scars. I don't know about you but I'm not part of S.O.L.D.I.E.R. and I definitely can't hold a buster sword.
Alan Wake - Bright Falls

The people of Bright Falls are possessed by a dark energy that seems to be a manifestation of Alan Wake's inner demons. This turns them into shadowy ghost zombie killers who destroy anything that enters the woods. Bring some energizer batteries and a Verizon cellphone. This is not product placement.

Zeno Clash - Zenozoik

The forest of Zenozoik is chock full of tribes that want to kill you. Your only defense? Hand-to-hand combat until the very brief moments of the game that you find another weapon. Even then it's only things you can bludgeon people with. I'm too pretty to be bludgeoned!
Resident Evil 4 - Rural Europe

Leon survives this lonely, rural part of Europe because he can jump out of second-story windows without getting hurt. I'm pretty sure I would cut myself all over, becoming a walking zombie megaphone.

Uncharted 2: Among Thieves - Shambhala

The road to Shambhala was a bit confusing in Uncharted 2. We thought we were in the alps, then we were in a city, then there was more snow, but when we finally got to Shambhala we found a lush rain forest. It was infested with mythical warriors who have become immortal due to the tree of life, but don't let that stop you from soaking up the scenery.
Pitfall! - Jungle Maze

You can fall. In pits. How is this appealing?
Left 4 Dead - Blood Harvest

Zombies are bad news. When zombies can hide behind trees, they become bad news bears. Throw in that the undead of L4D can run and I can tell you where I'm not going to be anytime soon: this forest.

Ocarina of Time - Lost Woods

When you get lost in the Lost Woods, you become a Stalfos; a skeleton warrior under Ganon's control. The only way to avoid these affects is to be of Kokiri descent or have a fairy guide to protect you. No, your Navi plushy doesn't count.
Castlevania III - Mad Forest

This is Dracula's forest, and it's mad. Not meaning, necessarily, mad as the emotion of anger towards you. Perhaps its name refers to the mental stability of the forest as a whole? Or is it implying that it causes madness in the people that enter it? Or maybe in the pre-existing occupants? Whatever the case may be, don't go in there.
Pokemon Red/Blue - Viridian Forest

When you reach Viridian Forest for the first time, your life as a trainer has just begun. Some old dude just showed you had to use Pokeballs and you only have one Pokemon. Your entrance into the forest isn't celebrated. It's dark, there are bugs and rodents everywhere, and there are trainers who won't let you pass until they beat your pet half to death. Just close your eyes and run.

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