Friday, April 29, 2011

High-Tech Watches

Good for Star Wars fans, Japanese drug enthusiasts, and anyone needing to cover up their wrist scars.

Stainless Steel 8GB Video Watch, $79.99

Televisions are most desireable in one of two states: super tiny and super huge. This one is super tiny, but super huge for a watch, so it's pretty much a two-in-one. Packing 8 gigs of memory, or about two full-length arthouse films, this stainless steel watch from ThinkGeek is actually pretty decent looking. It also functions as a real watch, you know, so awesome! It's currently on sale for 20% off regular price, so hit it on up if you'd like to distract someone with a Golden Girls episode before punching them in the face with your wicker brass knuckles.

R2-D2 Remote Control Watch, $29.99

The blur lines behind this R2-D2 unit means it can go super fast. What propels this little droid to scoot it's root hither and thither? Why, your remote control watch! The watch not only displays the time and looks like Artoo's chrome dome, it can make him move back and forth. When you aren't having fun with the little scrapper, the watchstrap has a clip for him to ride on. We'll never be apart again, my friend.
TV Remote Control Watch, $99.95

At the risk of sounding like a stand-up comedian at the county airport lounge, I lose my remotes all of the time, sometimes so deep in the couch cushions that they come out the bottom and I have to crawl on my tummy to get them. This is highly unpleasant as well as dusty. Enter the Television Remote Control Wristwatch from those masters of the frivolous at Hammacher Schlemmer. Using six control buttons, the device can control most televisions, DVD players, and other infrared things. All you have to do is enter the three-digit model code and you're on your way. It's worth doing some research into the makes and models of your friends' entertainment devices for those times when they insist you give Say Yes to the Dress "a chance."

Abyss LED Touchscreen watch, $45.79

I just watched a YouTube video of this and I feel a third eye emerging from my forehead as well as the intense need to try some of my dogs' food so I can make sure they are happy with it's taste. This watch will drive your mind to the cobwebiest corners of reality. Just ask the purveyors at Chinavasion: "The Abyss stays broodingly dark like Conradian Darkness Heart until you tape its crystal surface upon which the screen explodes with blue and white LED pixies like a thousand baby Bruce Springsteens dancing in the dark against a thousand Billy Idols dancing with themselves." Wow, I suspected communism bred such creativity, but not like this! One ticket to the Beijing High Life, please!

Nike+ SportWatch, $199

This Nike vs. TomTom joint is a must-have for serious runners and sporty types. God bless you if you're one of those who shares our web interests, as you are few and far between. This watch's internal GPS measures your speed and distance, while the watch tracks your heart rate and calories burned. Compatibility with gives you even more data, like your mapped route with pace data. It also reminds you to run, which means that when not in use I will be burying it deep within a dark, dark place.

Hidden USB Flash Drive Watch, $62.52

Well hey there, Richie Rich, looks like you can afford a watch without a rubber strap or a face that is actually a character's face. Not only with this Edge watch help with making you look like an interesting, stable business professional, it will keep all of your documents on your person and in a secret hiding place. You see, inside this dressy bessy is a 2GB USB flash drive. Not too shabby, scientists. Your move, wizard community.

Quicksilver Ray Eco Watch, $720

Check this out: this watch requires no batteries at all and is made entirely from recyclable materials. Hand-crafted from real ebony wood direct from sustainable managed forests, this Wiccan surfer's delight is the brainchild of the people at Quicksilver. Since it was made in a limited edition of less than 1000, they're now incredibly hard to find. The cheapest one I can find will still run you over $700, so the chances of you bothering to recycle it at all are probably pretty slim.

High Gear Altitech, $111.99

Personally I never go anywhere without being in a ten foot radius of a USB input, but to each his own. If you're the outdoorsy type that isn't put off by James Franco hallucinating and eating a sweaty burrito, you might want to take this along with you on your climbing expeditions. The High Gear Altitech not only tells time, it functions as a weather gal, a compass, and a chronograph. I don't know what that last one means, but I'm pretty sure if you touch somebody with it it makes them have to tell the truth.

Scope Watch, $189

The promo copy for this watch says that this watch was what Harrison Ford was talking to in Blade Runner when he kept saying "Enhance. Enhance." I don't know about that, but I should probably spend two hundred bucks just to be on the safe side. Blades is pretty awesome. Like an underwater sonar detecting mines around your submarine, the watch searches the coordinates and stops on the correct time.

Humminbird SmartCast Fish Finder, $66.99

Where's that rascally fish? All chopped up and squeed into tubes for mah fish sticks, that's where it is. But if you prerfer your fish disgusting, slimy, and wriggling about, you might want to invest in this fish finding watch. It tracks fishies' movement up to 100 feet deep and 75 feet out via the remote sonar sensor you throw in the water. It probably floats so you will most likely be able to get it back.

Spy Net: Secret Mission Video Watch, $39

I am both afraid of and attracted to the Spy Net: Secret Mission Video Watch due to its verbal proximity to Sky Net. This wristwatch's obvious good lucks can be attributed in public to an Apple prototype you have personal access to. While ladies and tech types cool over your exclusiveness, you can snap secret video, audio, and photos. It holds up to 20 minutes of video, 4 hours of audio, and 2000 pictures. James Bond's video watch is probably a little less obvious, but who needs a Rolex when you look this sweet.  It also works with a snake cam, sold separately and probably used for peeking under bathroom stall doors.

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