Sunday, May 1, 2011

E For Everyone: The Best Kids in Video Games

Awesome arguments in favor of ending your commitment to celibacy. Unless you're one of those people that think fifteen year-olds like Rikku are hot. In which case, carry on with the chemical castration then.

Alex Kidd

Sega's Alex Kidd is the reason why I almost titled this list "Best Kid(d)s in Video Games," until I realized that parantheses carry with them triple maxxx douchebag points and I'm already near my quota for the week. For a period of time in the 80s, the pint-sized, big-eared ass clown was Sega's mascot and answer to Mario. You can tell how well this worked out as most of you don't know who this individual is. Still, Alex Kidd in Miracle World for the 8-bit Sega Master System was pretty awesome. Later the platforming putz was replaced by Sonic, who held up to Mario for awhile...but, well, now you can find him on the corner in a puddle of his own blue vomit drinking lingonberry Schnapps and trying to send text messages to Tails.

Sonic the Hedgehog

What can I say about Sonic the Hedgehog that won't send me spiraling into the depths Lovecraftian of despair? Kids nowadays dig him, but if you grew up with him like I did, you know it'll never be the same. Ever the glutton for punishment, I am still holding out some hope for Sonic Generations, which features both original fat Sonic and hip, healthy, xxxxtreme new Sonic. But yes, Sonic is a fifteen year-old hedgehog, a blue teen who doesn't know what to do with his feelings for Amy Rose. Correct answer: punch in the face.

Pearl Fey

Even in spite of all the fat adult women who for some reason love to cosplay as Pearl Fey, she is my absolute favorite little girl character in all of videogamedom. Pearly is perennial Phoenix Wright companion Maya Fey's little cousin and a psychic prodigy. I am not ashamed to admit that she is the main reason that I cried harder at Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney: Trials and Tribulations than any other game ever. That, and getting my period. DEAL WITH IT.
Mega Man

Mega Man is no man at all, but a Mega Boy. Various sources put the blue armored robot as having the traits of a ten year old child, which makes him ten years old under Asimov's Law of Adorable Robotics. His awesomeness has been proven time and time again, most notably in Mega Man 2 and Mega Man X.


I don't understand the appeal of Naruto, but kids who draw fox whiskers on their faces and wear headbands with metal plaques bearing nonsense symbols, you know I always got your backs. Naruto has, I am not even shitting you, appeared in just a few shy of fifty video games across all platforms so far. Supposedly, he's pretty good at the karates.


What can be said about Earthbound's Ness aside from the fact that he is the best RPG star of all time? Don't even try to fight with me, Final Fantasy crowd...I can pretend my mom's broom is a sword the length of my entire body just as well as you can. Aside from being super adorable and informing my own personal fashion choices, Ness saves the universe from Giygas. Thanks, buddy.

Shaun Mars

Shaun! Not only does Ethan's first son die in a nasty car accident, his second son gets kidnapped by the effed up Origami Killer. You know what they say: first kid dead, shame on you. Second kid dead, shame on me!

We spent all of Heavy Rain doing all sorts of nasty things to get this little scrapper back, and if play your cards wrong, he'll die on you in the end anyway. I played my cards way wrong. Sorry, little buddy. Drowning is not the way to go.


Aww shucks, what's a list about cute kids without the ol' Linkster? Many times referred to incorrectly as Zelda, Link appears in games anywhere in age from a young boy to a young man. Don't take this the wrong way, but he's at his best as a young boy.
Harry Potter

Somehow all of Harry Potter's games have managed to suck, except for Lego Harry Potter: Years 1-4 (also, presumably Lego Harry Potter: Years 5-7), like one of the old movie tie-ins, and that Quidditch game I had an irrational fondness for last generation. And yet, I'm thankful for any opportunity to wave my digital wand around--even if I still don't have a playable Lego Baby Harry.


All of these children so far have been absolutely adorable so far, and F.E.A.R.'s Alma is no exception--aside from the haunting and the raping (she is the rapist) and the killing. A gifted psychic whose father made her into a lab experiment, locked her in a vault, and impregnated her, Alma pretty much went crazy for good reason. She is also the scariest motherf**ker I have ever seen in my life.

Little Sisters

The poor little human girls unfortunate enough to have lived in Rapture were converted into Adam-gathering creepers whose only friends were the Big Daddies and you, if you chose to save them. Too bad they had to die for us to have some of that delicious genetic nectar. Better luck in the next life, sweethearts!

Espio the Chameleon

Espio the Chameleon hardly ever appears in Sonic games, but he should. He is a purple chameleon and a private investigator, even though he is only sixteen. He is also a ninja. See, isn't that better than anything Shadow the Hedgehog has ever done, ever?

Alright, nerds, here you go: Rikku (Final Fantasy X, Final Fantasy X-2)is pretty awesome. Hope you feel bad about liking the look of her thong pokin' out now that you know she's only fifteen. Still don't feel bad? Oh...okay then. Good luck with that, sicko.


Cereza, who may or may not be Bayonetta as a child and/or her daughter (look, I was pretty confused from the time that Joe Pesci character showed up and angels took over the graveyard), looks like a female Harry Potter and I want to snuggle the shit out of her. Bayonetta just wouldn't have been the same without her cute little braids and oversized glasses. When Bayonetta asks her where she's from and she responds with "my house," could you not have just died?


Yes, bitch, Spyro. You can't hate on something invented by the people responsible for Ratchet & Clank and Resistance, even if that something is a purple dragon who hasn't had a good game since...a long time.
If only Insomniac Games took him back and gave him the platform he deserved, nothing could get in the way of us cooing at rescuing our fellow dragons from their crystal prisons. Also: dragon on a skateboard, baby! Take that, Game of Thrones!


When Corobo finds a crown that makes him king of Alpoko, he also obtains near-total control of his subjects. Absolute power corrupts absolutely awesomely. If you haven't played Little King's Story, it's a gem of a Wii game that is more than deserving of your attention.

Tony Jones

Tony Jones is a teenage magi and the hero of Magi-Nation, a delightfully titled game for the Game Boy Color based on a trading card series that never quite made the same impact as Pokemon
After fellow children promise their friendship in exchange for Tony wandering into a dark cave, Tony does it and is rewarded for his stupidity and low self-esteem with a magical crystal that transports him to a likewise magical realm. It seems that Tony's adventures have taken him to a free online game based on the animated series. Hit up the cute-looking Magi-Nation: Battle for the Moonlands right nya. I haven't played it, but it has a turtle that does somersaults.

Roger S. Huxley

Oh my God, there is nothing I wouldn't do to adopt Roger S. Huxley, hero of Star Ocean: Till The End of Time, the third game in the series. Okay, he's not the hero, but he's my hero.
Roger's habits include participating in manly man contests despite being a little boy who is about two or three foot tall. Let me be your mom already, geez! Roger is an optional recruit in Star Ocean but if you miss him you will end up playing a completely inferior game.

Diddy Kong

Diddy Kong is the shit, no two ways about it. Disagree and he'll straight up fling it at you because he is owed respect for having to ride piggy-back on Donkey Kong's sweaty uncle fur torso for all of these years. Though he's unmistakably Nintendo, Diddy Kong was actually thought up by Rare (may they rest in peace--yes I know they're still around, but I like to pretend they all died years ago).

Neku Sakuraba

The World Ends With You is one of the many reasons I want to kick people who say the DS doesn't have any good games. The Square Enix sleeper was even delightfuler with the inclusion of Neku Sakuraba, a sullen fifteen year-old into graffiti. For the first time ever in a Japanese game, Neku is a character with amnesia.

You in Fallout 3

My, but aren't you a naughty baby? First you kill your mother in childbirth, then you escape from your playpen, completely disobeying Liam Neeson in order to choose your skill set. At least you didn't join the Tunnel Snakes, those greaser scumbags who are most likely ethnics of some sort. Fallout 3 may have the best portrayal of first-person childhood in all of history ever.


Thanks a lot to everybody who didn't buy Klonoa when it came out for the Wii: that meant I picked it up at Best Buy for $10. However, that also means we will probably never get a sequel. That's a big load of crap, as the Klonoa games are the double jam. Klonoa will be in Namco x Capcom, though, so that's good news.
What is Klonoa?
Um, he's a Dream Traveler, and also probably a long-eared dog/rabbit. He's got Pac-Man on his hat, look at that!

Castlevania's Malus literally means bad, which should have tipped you off to the nature of this little crap face.

Wherever he goes, monsters follow, and though he says he was kidnapped from a burned village, he attacks you while riding a dark Pegasus (badass!). But then he gets super old and becomes a vampire with a quickness. Got to hand it to the thing for its masterful deception, though. You can witness his naughty behavior in Castlevania 64 and Castlevania: Legacy of Darkness, both for the N64.
Skull Kid

Let this be a lesson to you children who get lost in the Lost Woods: this is what becomes of you. You're an ugly look-ing scarecrow who hates Link and uses a flute as a weapon. You don't want that, okay?
Genis Sage

Fourteen year-old Genis Sage probably gets ripped on a ton for his name, and also for the fact that he has silver hair at age fourteen. Just saying, if your name rhymes with "penis," you should probably look into a box of L'Oreal Honey Brown hair dye. You want to fix what you can. Despite all of these factors, Genis is actually a pretty sweet half-elf character from Tales of Symphonia.


I personally find Kingdom Hearts' Sora to be whiny with few redeeming qualities (mooncalf attitude, blossoming breeches, etc.), but I am afraid of the hate mail I'll get if I don't include him. I don't do well with criticism. If you don't already know about Sora you probably won't care, but he's the main protagonist of the RPG series that combines Disney and Square Enix characters.
Anakin Skywalker

Okay, yes, I understand your criticism and welcome it. The prequels sucked, why did he have to lose the rat tail, etc. But man, if you played Episode I: Pod Racer, you know Anakin Skywalker is a video game hero.

You don't want to acknowledge it, but search your feelings. You know it to be true. And Star Wars Battlefront. And the original Lego Star Wars, the one that set off the whole modern generation of Lego video games! And we love those, eh? Also, he appeared in some pretty okay games as an adult--oh my God, I can't even say that with a straight face. HE'S DARTH VADER BUT LITTLE!

I would like to thank Google Images for helping me find the only picture on the internet of Street Fighter's Sakura that isn't fan art with a panty shot. Shame on you crusty types for fantasizing after a 16 year-old fighter with a Ryu obsession.

Though Asian, she was clearly modeled after me, as I was the only real life sixteen year-old girl in history with a serious interest in Street Fighter. The ONLY one.
Ramza Beoulve

I've got nothing but love for the noseless girl pirate who serves as the main protagonist of Final Fantasy Tactics. Wait, that's a dude? Dammit, Final Fantasy, EVERY TIME! Do me a favor and just start naming all of your characters either Henry or Martha. No more confusion that way.

This little sweetie first appeared in Metal Gear Solid 4: Guns of the Patriots. Sunny is a prodigious little computer programmer who is rescued by Raiden, even though it meant he was tortured and made into a Cyborg Ninja. Sunny is then raised by Solid Snake and Otacon, which would make for a great Two Men And a Little Lady spin-off.


This dandy little fop and his daisy colored waistcoat are straight outta Eternal Sonata, a sadly overlooked Chopin-themed (well, that might have been part of the problem) current-gen RPG.

Beat lives in the port city of Ritardando (if you laugh you are a terrible person) and loves taking pictures with his prized camera. Also, he can apparently only afford one kneepad. Can you even not feel bad for him, just for a moment?

The McKids

The McKids are a pair of interracial teenagers who manage to remain friends despite being different races (this was extremely impressive in 1992). They also take a trip to McDonaldLand in order to give Ronald McDonald his magical bag (yeah, couldn't think of anything better than a bag?) back that was stolen from him by the Hamburglar.

Princess Zelda

Princess Zelda is surprisingly well-adjusted for a young girl (alright, Ninty purists, she does rarely appear as an adult) abducted half a million times by an evil pig wizard lord. You'd think the Triforce of Wisdom would show her a better hiding place.

Red (commonly confused with Ash Ketchum) is only ten years old and the world's greatest Pokemon trainer! What were you doing when you were ten? Not taking care of a Pikachu, that's for sure.

Now only if they could find a way to reboot the Pokemon video game series...sorry, but the formula is getting a little old, as much as I still play every single game and will no matter if they keep making the same one seventy years from now.


Ico is the star of the self-titled game that everybody talks about when they want to throw around that they know a lot about video games. Despite most things people talk about to appear all learned, Ico is actually awesome. The horned little hero literally leads Yorda by the hand out of danger and away from the evil mother that wants to use her body to make herself live longer. Here's hoping the high-def remake combo featuring Ico and Shadow of the Colossus stops being delayed, dammit!

Crono is video games' best redhead and star of the desperately-in-need-of-a-threequel Chrono Trigger. He's one of the four main characters in the awesome time-traveling RPG (originally on SNES but currently available for DS) and a silent type who lets his katana do the talking.

Aww, Vivi. The adorable little Black Mage is one of the most recognizeable Final Fantasy characters. The tiniest hero of Final Fantasy IX is somewhere between less than a year and nine years old. So good at magic for his age!

Muramasa: The Demon Blade is a woefully underplayed side-scroller for the Wii that features some of gaming's best painted backgrounds. Its two main protagonists are both young: the princess Monohime, and the little ninja Kisuke. Kisuke also has amnesia. I don't recall ever hearing about that being done in a game before, so good job you!

Ludwig Von Koopling

All seven of the Kooplings (Bowser's children) are amazing, including the only girl, Wendy O., who was obviously inspired by Wendy O. Williams.

No one beats Ludwig Von Koopa, though. The eldest of the siblings, he never ever combs his hair or brushes his one tooth, which is awesome. He is also the subject of some very unfortunate slash fan fic involving his father Bowser that I am sad to say I was tricked into reading by someone who is related to UGO but shall remain nameless.
Baby Metroid

Samus stumbled upon a Metroid egg in Metroid II: Return of Samus. After deciding not to kill it because she remembered all of those girl feelings she has about being the last surviving member of her family, the Baby Metroid hatched and began following her around like a little puppy.

I have purposefully chosen to forget all about Baby's appearance in The Other M. You would be wise to do the same.
Zidane Tribal

Now this one I know is a girl pirate. What?!?! Another dude? Give me a break, Squeens. Zidane Tribal is the sixteen year-old main man of Final Fantasy IX and a master thief/lady-killer. Look, this is make-believe, okay?
The Child

Publisher Atlus is spreading rumors that if you reveal spoilers for their much-hyped pseudo-erotic adventure Catherine, you will have horrible nightmares and die. Therefore, I have nothing to tell you about this thing. We'll find out exactly what this baby is in July in the U.S., but suffice it to say it wins this entire list based on appearance alone.

Leon D.S. Gehste

You can cut Leon D.S. Gehste some slack for being a total brat: there's a lot of pressure on a 12 year-old professor. Trust me, I remember: you have enough problems going through puberty without worrying if you've published enough to get tenure.

The boy genius is from Star Ocean: The Second Story which, as you may have surmised, is the second game in the RPG series.

I would also like to take this opportunity to revoke any praise I had previously given Google Images, as it failed to protect me during my search for a picture of Leon. You cannot unsee what has been seen.


Agitha, the "Princess of Bugs," is a 10 year-old girl from The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess. She is responsible for sending Link on a quest to find 24 Golden Bugs in order to have a prom for them. Apparently the Therapist of Hyrule has been on vacation for the past decade.

Xion appeared in the unfortunately-named Kingdom Hearts 358/2 Days. She's a replica of Roxas who is Sora's Nobody, but she actually looks like Kairi. Now you understand how high the barrier to entry in this franchise is. For non-fans, she has a giant key and loves ice cream!
Heather Mason

Another hyper-sexualized teen girl (well, at least she's 17 and not 14, like plenty of other skanked out game characters), Heather Mason is the protagonist of Silent Hill 3.

Born in Silent Hill and protected by writer Harry Mason, her adopted father, Heather Mason begins to uncover the truth about where she came from. Later in the game, she famously pukes out an evil god fetus, which another girl promptly eats. I can't believe 2 Girls 1 Fetus never caught on!

Baby Mario

This list is in no particular order except for one entry: Baby Mario is hands-down the best of this group.

First appearing in the Yoshi games, Baby Mario is at his baby best in Mario & Luigi: Partners in Time, where he appears alongside Baby Luigi, Baby Peach, and Baby Bowser, as well as their older counterparts. Mario-Kart: Double Dash!!, in which he and Baby Luigi drive a go-kart called the Goo-Goo Buggy, is an obvious close second.


Pit is the Kid Icarus in question in Kid Icarus. A little boy Greek angel with a bow, Pit has appeared in only two of his own games but made countless cameos in other Ninty titles. He'll finally get a new game whenever Nintendo decides to release Kid Icarus: Uprising for the 3DS.

Jimmy Hopkins

Man, the thing about Bully is you start out thinking main character Jimmy Hopkins is the bully, but you realize the real bully is society, man. The little punk with a heart of gold ends up stealing ours by the end of the game, protecting nerds and putting scumbag teachers in their places. How about a sequel, Rockstar?

Sammy/Eddie "Skate" Hunter

Skate is the lil' bro of Adam, one of the two main dudes in the original Streets of Rage. Sometimes referred to as Sammy and sometimes referred to as Eddie (look, you're not perfect either), Skate is 4'10" and fights on Roller Blades. How'd you like an inline kick to the privacy?

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